A sunny day

Nothing can ever be perfect.
There are paths to be chosen,
paths to be followed, and just paths.

I hold the deepest part that connects me to another human being.

Anger, angst, understanding
That sometimes things are not the way we wanted it to be.
But jealousy strikes painfully, when
You just wanted to be that someone that was able to help,
when you were not.

Doors closed, you.
Pushed away. Left. Alone.
Again. It was hard for me, and still is.
I hold on to memories that shouldn't be,
shouldn't exist.

Assumptions. Necessities.
We are all the same, maybe
A little bit different.

I play with words that are not mine,
That I don't believe,
While trying to keep the energy
Of unconditional happiness
Up in the sky

Please, I just wanted to feel
The warmth of hope
Emanating from your body
Instead of the freezing ,
Isolating depression.
Looking at me and saying:


You are not welcome today.

Trapped

These thoughts run
I try to catch
Make sense
But it hurts

The sharp gaze
Quietness
I try to release
But it hurts

Implore, beg
No response
I try to be cold
But it hurts

Move away,
Immerse in words
I try to forget
But it hurts

The sharp pain
In my chest
On my face
As I pretend
Unaffected
Unable to cry
I try to relax
But it hurts

I learned that the best way
Is to breathe
Keep your voice down
Listen,
Try to be heard,
Not get angry,
Try to understand

And I try so hard
I try everyday
I don't stop trying
But it hurts,
It still hurts

Please...no thank you.

Right now
The only wish I have
Is to run away
Without a destination
Without thoughts

Frustration
Delusion
Calls and questions
Wanting to understand
Without being understood
Without being heard

Right now
I would rather let it go
Let everything vanish
Like useless,
Wasted time
Without a value
Without concreteness

Absorbing the part
That most hurt
I sit here
Close to the soil
With unfruitful seeds

My feet cold
Although I have warm socks
On and yours
Unable to speak
Unable to communicate

Right now
The only wish I have
Is to run away
Without hatred
Without fear

To the infinite, spacious
Land of unbroken hearts

Reality

The affection of your eyes
Illuminates my complexion as I smile
Even though the cold rain
And the freezing wind burn my face

What do I know now?
I know that we are not what we used to be
I know we are not
I know there is still a tender feeling between us
Unable to raise
Unable to fly

The motion of your hand as we shake
And kiss
Like good friends
Having a good time

Intimacy of people
Not afraid to be themselves
Not scared to be who they are

A chapter not ready to close
Or chances not ready to be lost?

I turn the pages
But you are always present
I try to move on
But you poke me on my shoulder
Inviting
Reconnecting

What do I know now?
That there is too much to lose...
Uncertainty of a victory
That may never exist

It's not about me anymore
It's not about you
It's about not being selfish
And finding solutions
Instead of carrying chains
Too heavy to let us flow
And too weak to protect us
Against the errs of the past

head, in, you

Dear friend,

I understand sometimes you may use your ability
To be silly and sarcastic
To make comments and behave
In a selfish way

You also use,
Your ability to say and act
In whatever way pleases you
Or protects you
( your defense mechanism)
To express what is going on
At the moment
In your life

But as your friend,
I would like to say,
It frustrates me
To not be able to communicate effectively
( or as effective as possible)
With you

And messages are lost
And moments leap and dissipate
When I just wanted
To help you
( Even though you may not need me)
To talk with you

Dear friend,
I am also writing to you
Because I care
Because I think about you often
And wish I had the courage
And understanding
To better demonstrate and
Express how I feel

But I hope, my friend,
I have been clear enough,
And without metaphors
Or any other literary device
Comprehended in the most
Humble way.

Take care.

Drops of Regret

She held it over her mouth
Stubbornness
She knew it was stupid
Her mouth open
And through it the liquid of desperation
Slowly sliding through her throat
Rolling and Curving
Towards her heart

It's late night now,
Nothing can be undone
From one side to the other
Tipsy, drowsy, sad
She tries to help,
Picks something up from the floor,
Looks at him.

She had no idea ,
But she felt something wrong.
She tries to talk,
It doesn't help.
Famous, over-used sentences,
Coming out of him,
Like poisonous arrows.

She stands, and awaits,
Lights off,
Time to leave,
Time to talk,
Or better be quiet.

The liquid starts to make its way,
Up, mind, brain, damage.
She tries to explain and make sense
Coherence, incoherent

She, guilty, talks, and talks
Like an open book she never was
She will never be
In the real world
Of her quotidian life

And after the first blink,
The end of a moment,
The start of another,
It became to easy.
Too simple,
At least for one night.

The morning after is of guilt, and sharp pain
The morning after is the pill that will strengthen
The thin line of something that shouldn't be label
The morning after…
Forgiven, Forgotten, Forsaken

Fairytale

I'm torn apart by the thought of you.
By my side, as you sleep
I think of uncertainties,
And Happiness.

In the other world,
I saw,
A rail.

I looked at one direction
Trying to see a train
Or where the rail would end.

Behind me,
There was a railway with an end
I didn't see.

I kept looking
Until I heard the sound of a train
Coming towards me.

My desire to lie down and
End as simple
As dramatic
As a western movie
Was strong but not as strong
As your eyes when you get upset.

I turned around,
Fast,
And put myself back together

Smiling once more,
Sometimes laughing,
Talking silliness
Making jokes,
Existing like always.

You are stronger than me,
I am stronger than them.

I can erase them temporarily,
I know they won't go away.

I find myself torn apart by the thought of you,
By the thought of leaving you,
Leaving everyone else.

I find myself torn apart by the thought of me,
And what is important,
And who I am.

A touch of flurry flakes

They say things change
And will change
With the flow of the waves
In a sea of dead emotions

Resurrection, reinventing oneself
Or becoming the self
You should have been
Improvement

At each step we did
Torn apart we were
By the tiny details
Of minds too stubborn to assume
Too immature to realize

They should always be connected
They will always be connected

Missing that part,
The snow falling on the wet pavement
The hands tied
Ruminating the night ahead

The smell of burnt wood,
In distant fireplaces
Banderas and you
Unforgettable

They say things change
They say we change
Waltzing our way to life
We may see
How far away we can go
And grow
From one another

Swimming

I take a moment to breath in.
Moving my gaze from the screen
To the liquid globules
Of the steel stairs.

Is there a relation between
What I felt, What I feel and What I should?
Constant questions on my mind
When I don’t really know any answers.

Disappointment within oneself
Some say,
Is the worse weapon.

The dwell of selfish and self-conscious
Where to stand,
To balance.

I want to be there,
But I know there isn’t enough space.
Yet.

I should have refrained from entering this path,
But it was necessary,
And maybe still is.

I mumble over and over again,
Not knowing what to say,
When words boil on my mind,
Like the most fruitive tree.

And the unsaid is what makes me think.
Access.
And discuss.
Within myself once more.

I take a break; breathe.
And listen to the familiar sounds of the past.
Maybe there are lessons still to be learned.

Cogito, Insania, abeo in aliquid

I’m immersing myself in a sea of discoveries.

Scrapbooking Notebook

The story starts with him standing outside his room
Looking up at the ceiling while stepping on the tiny pieces
That had felt after the rain.

At the same moment, she was laying down on her recent assembled bed
And reading a book she did not have much interest on,
While her computer was beeping over and over,
Alerting on a new MSN message.

They are not connected in a real way.
Although they know each other.
This is a note on my notebook.
It won’t go anywhere.

The story starts with him standing on his porch
And holding a cigarette although he has quit smoking
Six months ago.

She, on the contrary, is sitting on the kitchen table
Listening to pump-it-up songs and counting the left over change.
The night will be long, if she has enough money for the weed.

They know each other,
Maybe are somewhat connected.
Another note,
My notebook is still semi-empty.

The story starts with him laying on his bed,
Unable to sleep and staring at his new purchased phone.
There are not any incoming calls.

In the coffee shop, she is typing unreasonable answers
Apparently necessary for her new assignment.
It is still early in the afternoon, but the fact the phone hasn’t ring yet
Makes her somewhat down-to-earth personality
Convulsively annoyed.

They should be calling each other,
If they knew of each other’s existence.
Maybe I should jump some pages,
The blank spots can be filled later.

Life is not a series of successful events anyways.

The story starts with him thinking of her.
He doesn’t know the reason of such insane thought.
Maybe she resembles his old lifestyle.

He decides to go down the stairs, cross the street and
Grab some coffee with the usual quantity of cream and sugar.

She is laying down on someone else’s bed
While tears roll down on her face.
She thinks of the hundreds of people
In her contact list
No one with a real value.

She feels isolated in a chaotic world,
She used to call it her own world.
She doesn’t know what she is.
She ideals what she should be.

I close my notebook unable to produce any plausible story.

Savouring Self shingly Because of I

I understand certain moments,
And connect them
A big picture

As I read simple words,
I notice the ‘uncomplexity’
Of being truthful
And realizing,
Analysis can also be positive

Looking back,
Everything falls
Into a natural evolution
Like Darwin’s
But way soother and simpler

I admire resolutions
Definitions
The notion of a route,
A path, a decision made
To be achieved

I also know,
We cannot get away
Of sentiments like fear.

We fear as we walk
Our monotonous exciting life
We fear as we exist
It is our tool of protection
It helps us to control
Excessive spontaneity

As I pay attention to all words
The ones thrown in the air
The ones delivered
To another receiver

I notice how much
Is still there to be learnt
And appreciated
And savoured


And I like every single detail
(According to “self-help, I should do)
But also like the whole
And that should be unlike-me

It’s just a way of connecting
Exhaling the same air
Even though it may not be the best
It makes our different voices
Blend into a beautiful and perfect unison
Like a mixed choir
Singing a monophonic medieval song

I’m analysing moments
When I should be savouring
Slowly,
Thoughtlessly
Shallowly
Like frequently
I appear.

But analysing is my way of savouring
And getting to know
And capturing
The knowledge
Of another human being
I respect.

Bid Farewell To An Unfaithful Soul

A moment is
When you realize
Life may be beautiful
Just Before your eyes

He wakes up
Early morning
In his mental clock
And gets up slowly
To feel

The noon shining sun
Strikes the pain
Hidden
Confines in comfiness
Maybe not yet important

There could be many options
Or none at all
What matters now?
Clear thoughts

A reality, a dream, many agonies
Existing without comprehension
You and others and everyone else
Stereotypes of prejudice

The lights of a bright day
Dimming imperceptibly
His soul wanders
Through unexplored quietness

Trusting, Forgiving
Words of forgetfulness
Psychological Debouche
Unconscious overflow

He then stares
Tries to read by himself
Between the lines
In reflexes

But submerged
In his own thoughts
He touches his hands,
Distractions


Running away mentally
Over-explored wilderness
Should be taken,
Held,
Finally Released

And if it was simple,
Nothing would have made sense

He pours coffee down
A broken mug
A day off
Inhaling

Trying to describe
By reason
Not heart
Impossibility

And as he watches
The swing of humid tress
The fly of crows
He knows

It may be the end of a day
But the beginning
Of a long night

He Bids Farewell
And it is not gone

If it was simple….

To Repend, Glued

She walks and stops
Reality, the sign
Reads “Available”
She walks away

The house is empty
She walks back and forth
Fresh scents of early morning
Marks of Sweat

Here, There…

There are no crocodile tears
For that, felt
Truthful
Indeed

But she cannot
Forgive
Not taking this direction
When it was just dawn

She walks and it is late
She walks and it is early
Empty stomach
Self-destruction

She walks and stops
She sits
She observes
Outsiders

They Walk.

Honesty

It wasn't yesterday
But not so long ago
With life's simplicity
Warm hands
And an open heart
The poisoned arrow

pseudo cutting my flesh
With the thought of you
But with sweet eyes
On my face
The evil energies
Of guilt and sins
Dissipated
And I slowly realised
What was needed
Honestly liberating
The deep puissance
Affectivity
So long hidden
So long feared
Even when
The thaumaturgy
Was over
I knew
What should have been done
Perhaps you don't know
Or can't imagine
How much I cared,
And maybe still do
It wasn't yesterday
Maybe longer than I wished
But today
With the words
Pseudo shot on my obliques
I came into light
It wasn't yesterday
Nothing matters anymore
I came into light

On a note

It "interests "me
How,
With so much pain
So little gain
People still waste
Their neurons
With frivolous things
That won’t do any good

We live in a world
Where war kills
Where old-fashioned
Deceases
Destroy families
And where “food” and “ water”
Are often only birds
In dreams

Where the well-developed
“ worlds”
Only pose for smiles
And forget to act
Or are afraid to act
For a real hope
Into sad faces
Life

So much to be fixed
So much has been forgotten
So much won’t heal
So much...

And all many can ask
Is please,
Everyone has the right to live
With dignity.

But instead of trying
We keep talking
About the latest news
That in the end
Will only maintain
The already chaotic
'Order'
We live in.

After a long pause

It’s been a while
Since I’ve seen you
Or talked to you

You are not waiting
For me,
For what may happen
For what has already
Changed

It seems silly
To forget
That you where important
For me
For life

But when we
Stupefied by
Whirls and wounds
Lapse of memory
Don’t remember
The other

Are caught
By sudden strikes
Of emotion

The past comes
Make haste
And we know
That it is missing

Welcome back
We may greet
And try to move
As if all that has changed
Only improved our lives
And helped us to
Keep going

When you feel you are better off alone

She sits in the toilet
Marks on the floor
Dirtiness fell from ceiling
She breathes, deeply

Outside, the darkness,
Shadows of trees,
Wuthering motions
The wind

She stands, and quietly
Moves to the living room
The lamp shade
Bringing light to her nocturnal
Life

Awaiting, his embrace
Heard intensely,
The other room

Breathe, breathe

He gets up
And with his black wings
Wraps her fragile body
Senseless

And carrying her away,
Between stones and knives,
Pulling her without cautious,
She strives against his will,
Despair

The short distance
The course,
A route signed with
The silent yells of
Her unvocal sufferings

“Come here (touch me)Kiss me (touch me)Now ”

Flashbacks,
The Train
Carrying corpses
Away From Earth

The water
Slowly, swingy falling
Over their burning faces
She couldn’t help then
And couldn’t be helped now
She wasn’t there
But she is here now

Breathe, Breathe and once more....

Split of seconds,
Brown odours of
Unpleasant situations
And incurable fear

He turns, and
Gives her the last push
Her eyes entering,
The final lap
Into the exciting world of
A Black hole

Childhood Memoirs: On the clouds

Some days she felt
As if gone
As if dead

Blurred images
Of her past
Entwined

Her present
The violence
Of the small screen

Reflected
In her own
Reality

She pushes
She sees
The blood

Her own hands
Her own culpability
Not running

Away
Walking on
A street without

End

Some days she felt
As if gone
As if dead

The small children
Her own age
Smiling

She unable
Sits
A swing

Wind
Dither Vibrations
Internal organs

Praying
Believing
An exit

Away
From this world
Eyes closed

End

Some days she felt
As if gone
As if dead

Sphinx

A sketchbook
On her pink and blue
Comforter

She draws
An image
She cannot remember

She pictures
The sound of
A voice

Low, soft, warm
Guileless, humble
Words

She, naive
Understands
Impossibilities

She picks
A needle
From her night table

And draws
With blue
Credence

She feels
You
A pain

Ingenuous
A thought
Of truthfulness

She, child
Purely
Vestal

Arms
Given
Your frog face

Betray
Obnoxiously
Her trust

Led,
Rope on hope
To nothing

She draws,
Your face
The Sphinx

You are,
The Kuk,
Unforgettable dreams

Subliminal Dialogues: Impediment

"Hi!"

"Hi."

"This is really a great surprise; I wasn’t expecting to see you here! "
(Please don’t tell me you got the message. No, I am sure I took you off the list, did I?)

"Yes, I know! I just came to have a girl’s night out and... You were the last person I thought I would see here!"
(Are you that stupid to not remember we have many friends in common? I guess so.)

"O, nice. I mean, I didn’t know you liked this place; it seems so not you."
(Last time we were here...)

"I do! It’s such a cosy little pub, who doesn’t like here? "
(Isn’t it amazing how much we still don’t know about each other? But you were right in a way, I don’t go to pubs that often, I’m more a club kinda person)

"True. Do you come here often? "
( Wrong, wrong question dude. She is gonna think you are hitting on her with the worse of the clichés. No, shut up, it’s just her, she an old acquaintance, nothing to worry about.)

"Actually no, I don’t even remember the last time I was here. But my friends needed a cool place to chill and chat, you know, some places are really noisy..."
( The last time I was here was with you... history repeats itself, once more.)

"So I’m lucky them, I didn’t even know you were back in town. Such a long time we don’t talk... when did you come back? "
(Am I lucky or unlucky? Was I supposed to know she was here? It seems like decades since I’ve heard anything about her...not that I have asked anyone...)

"Just a couple months ago, not so long."
(Not that I would have tried any contact with you but how didn’t your friends tell you I was here? Seems quite unbelievable)

"So what have you been up to?"
(Please don’t give me too many details, I don’t have the whole night;also I’m not that interested in all your affairs, maybe the ones that might affect me in a way or that I may take some advantage of, no more no less)

"Not much, you know. Came here to check things out, relax a bit. Not many things changed, over there life is just a bit different, you know, but not much. How long has it been anyways?
( If you don’t remember I may...)"

"I’m not sure. A year maybe, wow a year after 30’s is a huge deal, so many things can happen. So did you get married? Did you have kids? -giggles-"

"Hah. Of course not. "
( Not the moment to ask those questions honey...)

"Dating ?"
(How many drinks did I have?)

"Dating? What does that word mean? – smiles- No, I haven’t dated since...well since we went through different paths..."
(How many drinks did I have?Do you think I would give you details about my sexual life with you? Of course I dated, mostly for fun though, nothing really serious, except when my ex ex came to visit me and we even thought about getting back together...)

"Me too. I haven’t even thought about dating again, I’ve been really busy with work and studying again..."
( It’s not a lie. I mean, sleeping around is not the same thing as dating. And I only had sex with 6 people since I last saw you, which is not a big deal. Okay, I wouldn’t mention the guy, you would think I turned out gay which is not true, was just an experiment, an occasion, you know... like back in college, just I was way less experienced back then...)

"I’m chocked. You were always the dating type. I never thought I would ever see you single again. It might have been really difficult..."
(Should I have changed the subject to the studies? What can he possibly be studying? He was never interested in studying...Nope that would go into something really boring; I would need way more drinks to stand that...)

"Not really. It has been awesome. I’ve been learning a lot about myself. I needed this time “ off” you know..."
(This is also not a lie, sex is just something we men need more than women, don't we? I bet she also have her moments of weakness... okay, let’s be frank, we all need sex, having sex without thinking about the future is a great exercise for your body and your mind thus you learn a lot about yourself. Done, I’m not a liar...)

"True. I agree. And hey, it worked, you look great."
( Should I have said that? It’s not true but poor guy, he thinks he is such a big deal. How old is he now? 50? No, 50 somethings look really hot nowadays, think about Sting... or Kevin Costner, maybe he is just needing some kind of touch, I know he is not that old but this face and all this hair oh goodness...)

"Thanks! And I know, I mean, everybody is saying that I look my best now, I guess I will take the recipe from now on, you know, take fully care of me, I mean, I like the way I am and I am really happy with what I’ve become..."
( You still have a chance with me if you want...)

"Yeah, I admire your enthusiasm. I may need to borrow some from you in the future –smiles-"


"But I can say the same for you too, you look great. "
( Damn you must have worked out or something, you look really hot, I never thought I would say that of you, I mean unless I needed, but hey now it is true....)

"Thanks... It was so nice seeing you again.. um... I should get going now ... my friends might be wondering where the hell have I been..."
( Come on, we are not gonna get anywhere, you know that...)

"Yeah, I know. I was just gonna check out the men’s room and we’ve been here for how long? 10 mins?"
(Should I invite you for a drink someday? But I’m healthy, I shouldn’t be talking about drinks after that talk about taking care of myself... that’s what I get for bullshitting ...)

"So...um..."
( just say bye...)

"Hey, we could have ice-cream someday... "
( Ice-cream?)

"Sure..."
( Ice-cream? “ Gotta get back in time”)

"Monday maybe, or Tuesday...evening..."

"Oh, It will be really hard for me to do something during the week but maybe Friday if you want..."


"Er...um...Friday I can’t..."
(Playing the difficult, but hey who knows what can happen after ice-cream and I do have to travel on Saturday)

"That’s sad. But maybe some other time then..."

"I’m going away on Saturday. I got this out-of-town job you know, gonna stay there for a couple of months..."
( No option, I had to take it, and besides it will be really fun... )

"Oh that’s exciting, I guess I will see you when I see you then..."

"Yeah, You can give me a call sometime, to catch up.."

"Aren’t you moving...?"

"Yeah, I mean , you can write to me or something..."

"I don’t have your e-mail or anything, do you still have mine?"
(I don’t wanna look for it either)

"I might have it somewhere..."

"You can always ask Chris, you know, we've become really close friends since we moved to Tulsa..."

"I will write."

"I see you around then."

"Sure, see ya "
(I so would like to experience you all over again... it’s hard seeing you leave...like before...I hated you so much for that but... hey, I missed you. I really did)
"Hey!"

"Yes?"
( You are sweet. I had to go...I have to go...)

"Take care."

"Thanks, you too."

A cup of fun

The night is of bright stars
The fun will start
He closes the door
The car is in perfect shape

He walks up the street
He crosses strangers
( not so strangers)
He carries a bottle of water

Slowly and confident
He drinks his water
He count the numbers
He measures the street

The knocks on the door
He thought about calling
He greets enthusiastically
He sits on the couch

He talks, tries to listen
He talks non-stop
He drinks and he stares
He kisses her face hello!

He invites her outside
He knows she is ready
He compliments intentionally
He knows his game

He checks her up and down
He pays (un)expensive cover
He pays her favourite drinks
He whispers in her ears hello!

He dances slowly
He dances with charm
He holds her up and down
He moves her around

He sees the lights flashing
He feels his own sweat
His face and his mouth
His needs urging his manhood

He takes her hand
He calls her to go
He opens the car’s door
He smiles at her hello!

He feels the pain(less)ful hunger
He drives carefully
He parks the car far away
He opens her door (un) intentionally

He walks the 2 blocks
He protects her naked back
He walks without thoughts
He talks and talks

He opens her house’s door
He feels at home
He sits on the couch
He pets hello!

He blahs and blahs
But kisses and kisses
He likes her natural figure
He teases and teases

The clock strikes 3 am
He tired almost sleeps
She smiles and feels sorry
He accepts her hand and goes upstairs

He feels semi-comfortable/uncomfortable
He shows why he is
He dances and dances
He sweats with ease

He trains his mover into her body
He enjoys all and all
His breath on her neck
Her kisses in his tongue

He asks hear the yell
He knows his game
He softly speeds up
He strongly slows down

The clock strikes 6am
He hear the creepy noises
She attends to her duty
He half-sleep awaits

He feels the other hunger
He knows he needs rest
He calls her sweetly
He lay down in their nest

2 hours past
He wakes up dizzily
H invites he outside
She accepts shyly

The have been for a long time
They have been for 11 hours
He blinks and smiles
She looks at him for a while

In his red car
They kiss goodbye
He tells her “ dignity”
She promises to text

She enters the house
He shouts” I call”
She crashes on the bed
She dreams and dreams

Last night, a cup of fun

A cup of coffee

The afternoon is of sunshine
The cleaning project starts
She does what she hates
She tidies up with disgust

She smile unconsciously
She yak’s impatiently
The clock strikes 9pm
She opens her mouth, desperately

She goes to the basement
She changes her mind
She opens the door
She goes upstairs

There is no time left
For another intense routine
To dress up,
To take a long, beauty shower

She changes her clothes,
She checks in the mirror
The sun left a hot night
The sun left an intense breeze

She walks back and forth
She yuk’s with stress
She doesn’t know what to expect
It’s past 9.30pm

She sits downstairs, casual
She waits for him
She awaits for the time
She awaits

Unquestionable

How do we know each other?
How do we know how much we care?
How do we tell what hurts?
How do we become truthful friends?

When do we become honest we each other?
When do we forget sincerity?
When do we tell our thoughts?
When do we stop dreaming the impossible?

What are the right decisions?
What do we want from this?
What is friendship?
What does life means right now?

Why do we pretend nothing happened?
Why we keep holding onto something?
Why do we hide ourselves?
Why aren’t we able to abandon extreme feelings?

Where did it all go?
Where are we now?
Where will the sun shine tomorrow?
Where is our home?
Unreal reality?
Dramatic intensions?
Sublime obsession?
Surreal connection?

If...?
If...?
If...?

Goodbye...

Like.ty

Like
Passion
Lust
The Intensity of care

Touch
Hold
Kiss
The Intensity of care

Moment
Time
Dedication
The Intensity of care

How do we find love?
How do we know love?
How many clichés we have to break?
The Intensity of care

Alleviation

I just got here
I wish I was elsewhere,
Nowhere

I want to say please
But I don’t have strength
I have bruises in my hands
I have cuts and marks
In my whole body

Fighting, the non-stop art of believing
And giving up,
And searching again,

I watch others gaze
I think I made a difference
Or changed an instant
But everything is just the same

The pathetic art of life
Pretending, making-believe
I want shout the most stupid words
I want to ask for help but I know there’s no one to listen

Vain words, silliness of mind
Tired, a strong sharp pain in my heart
Every thing seem to change
Something pulls me back to show me
What reality really is

I listen to these sounds,
I listen to this song
I’ve done this before
And once more
Here I am

I teach hope
But how can I?
I’m forgetting what it is

I can’t talk
Who can understand?
It seems so simple,
Yet so complicated

Do you know how it feels to abandon dream?
Not one, but all of them
All at once
And slowly recovering
Slowing building the foundation
For new ones to develop
For a sincere smile
Shown

But no, you can’t have dreams
Why should you?
They just make you worse

Why don’t you realize?
That things are never going to be easy
Enduring bellicosity
You know it is three times harder
And will always be

You are never going to pass
This level
The underneath, the below
No matter how many doors open
How many barriers you trespass

Breathe
Please let me breathe for a moment

Why is it so hard?
Please tell me,
I shouldn’t be letting this tears roll down on my face
And this cries of desperation

I can’t hold, I can’t hold

I needed a paper,
But instead got a screen
To read the letters one by one
Written on a fictional piece of paper
And instead of losing
Finding relief...

Breathe
Breathe

Acceptance, a human condition

Lost,
I walk in the dark streets
Calling your name
A desperate stimulus
Beating with my heart

Some minutes ago
I had seen you
You almost came back
But I threw words
I let you run away

Lost,
I watch the back doors
I walk, pacing my steps
Trying to remain calm
Where are you now?

I decide to go down the path
In the urban and dirty parkette
You are so sweet
You pretend to be strong
You don’t show what you feel

Lost,
I keep calling your name
Even knowing you are far away
Maybe if you hear
You will come back for me

Lost
I can’t do much
It was my fault
I wish I could remember
Your voice


No, you are lost
Physical sounds disappeared
From my memory
I opened a door,
Invitation,
And you were gone from my life

Last year you paused and quietly she observed the tiny expressions on your face

Dusk
You stare
The horizon
The immense nothingness

Dusk,
Purple, Blue, Orange
Fades, Slowly
You walk back

Snow flakes
Embrace your shoulders
Blur your vision
A simple but warming hug

You have your hands in front of you
Hands that touch,
Hands that feel
Hands that wave goodbye

Dawn,
Isolation,
The Horizon
The immense sameness sensation

Dawn,
Yellow, Red, blue
The currents will shift
You move forward

Hot sun rays
Burn your tough skin
Shine through your eyes
Found, presumed missing

You have your hands in front of you
Hands that touch,
Hands, create a viewfinder,
And see the landscape
Hands, should they wave goodbye?

Beginning of an end

End of the week. I’m sitting, procrastinating. You need to do this once in a while. I realized how unclear I am with myself; dissociateness, hiding my own perspective to create new ones. I don’t want to talk to anyone today. I need to end my fatiguing week by being quiet. But I can’t be. I like expressing, exchanging. There is no one to exchange now. I turned off my phone as to get away from the world. I only have what keeps me processing, and this I won’t leave for now or I would have to stop writing; many years and still dealing with the same issues in different situations. At least I found a point where I can stop and concentrate on being objective, as stupid it may sound. It’s just another day, It’s just another day.

Untoward Cloverleaf

In a moment you are going to blink
And your mouth with a big smile will pronounce
Enriched stimulant words

If you could plan this,
Then the final conclusion
Wouldn’t be full of potential growth

Not reacting correctly when hearing the sounds
Basis of an insecure egocentric person
Parallel to the distant ego
That falls from walls and dives
Into the scary waters of the ocean

It takes fifteen minutes to climb the stairs
You take the newly renovated elevator instead
Light green, pale yellow
The time exaggerates the pressure over your body
It will be a waste of time, like sleeping constantly
When you should be developing skills

But afterwards life runs smoothly
Or as soft as it can get
Counting seconds in the watch,
Foreseen a depressive night

In a moment you are going to blink,
And what you will see
Will be an image of the past
The future is far away from your presence

Stealing ideas, and shadowing
Although the growth is personal
Like Wiccans,
But more like the little prince
People around you look strange

How can you define?
How can you feel?

You walk around in different costumes
They call you Gemini,
But you would never abandon the fourth

In a moment you are going to blink
You are going to listen
Loud noises of honking cars
And memories of a lost summer

Who are you?
Why are you in these thoughts?

You are the story, behind steps
You are the lost mind, behind the theoretical knowledge
You are the loner, and the sociable
You are the quest,
You are the quest

In a moment you are going to blink,
And the moment will be gone.

Holding paper friends

Deciding to talk about what is going on, generally, with everyone, every bit of word you hear or (in this case) read. Not believing in simple answers, or trying to be more objective about everything else. But to smile, laugh and have a great mental connection ( all part of a very fun time) helps you to wake up with a totally different mood, even if you didn’t really sleep or if you didn’t sleep well. The fact that simple answers look like distractions, frustrates. Seriously, you just want to know the truth but the subject is turned around and around in infinite circles, you just want a true answer, not being mad, obsessive or neurotic. What does friendship means to anyone? Does it really mean something? Does real friendship exist? Is friendship influenced by gender? How affected by exterior factor can friends be? Can BFF be really friends forever? What are the some of the greatest obstacles of friendship? How would you portray a perfect friendship? Are there pros and cons to be weighted before trusting into a new friend? How many friends are people supposed to or capable of having? Open ended question, I could have sold well tonight.

Morning, phone calls and an active day

The days come and go with such a speed that velocity can’t control. Yesterday was confusing; I guess the word jail can be pretty scary, even though faced after almost 2 years. But there was so much involved. I’m still chocked to know the cruelty existent in certain people. Do they have any idea how much they can hurt someone? But I also know, through own experience, that eyes can tell much about a person’s trustworthiness, and since that day, when I first saw them, I didn’t trusted that person. And then the excuses, like language, anti-socialism even, or jealousy, I know that this person realized I knew what was behind the mask and was afraid of me boycotting the game. And I would, if it wouldn’t interfere on my friend’s happiness. But my friend is a very sweet person and once you fall into someone’s potion, there is no way back. Well, unless you find out something like this. Bad involvement, bad actions and everything negative that can reflect on you and how you spend the last years, all the dreams you had and cultivated second by second and that now got destroyed. No, that may not make much sense. But what is real does need to be sensate. See, after discovering that, life has a whole new meaning. But that was yesterday. Today was different. Today was better. And in the end, it all will be helpful, since from now on people will be twice as careful.

A moment, last post, ( on monday)

It is Monday.
Moon day.
I’m saddened
Reasonless

I open random blogs and start commenting
I open my own blog but don’t know how to start.
I accept tears from the opposite part of town.
I pause, hearing the sobs on the other side of the line.
I am here and somewhere else.
Those sobs are also mine.
In mornings like today, or nights like now.

The Moon shines,
Monday’s natural
Suffocating atmosphere

Ergo, when you receive a message
And it makes you smile
You don’t understand why

I read it and decided to change aspects.
I ‘m holding my cry , the phone rings.
Again, sweet voices and hurried exchanges.
I’m filling the blanks,
Counting the blacks
Enigmas again,
The alphabet is not only made of A’s and B’s

Monday,
I noticed I can’t see the moon
But I can hear the strong strikes of the train
Like the antique clock telling the story
Of your life
The railroad is far away
But at this time, it echoes and waves to my window
The calm wind brings it inside

Travelling, I am away now
Saddened, because of a dot.
Afraid to sleep, Afraid to wake up
Not wanting to do, but wanting to exist

I shared that moment with you so you would be happy.
Strangely, we are both in the same dilemma.
Yours is even harder than mine,
I want all the best for you,
I want to hold you and ask you to forget
I can’t even say anything really warm or comforting.

We create excuses together,
We run down the stairs even though it hurts,
I’m caring my bag,
The dog was ugly but lonely

On my way back I’m isolated
I see a familiar face
We talk
It makes me smile

I smiled twice without noticing.
I notice it now because I’m serious.
I’ve opened this blog today.

Monday, Monday
The song confuses itself with walk like an Egyptian
I need to accomplish one thing before the week ends
It will define my life for the next year or maybe longer
But instead of moving around, working hard
I am here, writing, and thinking about something I should forget.
I open the door politely
It is late.
I write things I don’t want to.
I write without thought.
I write for fun.
I write to express what I constantly wonder.
I can’t write to impress.
I can’t write when I need.
My writer’s block only exist in the presence of real people.
I open this blog.
I read around, quickly, without much attention.
Like browsing a newspaper or a book you will never read.

It’s very easy once you start,
It is hard to stop.
It’s like an urge on your fingers.
So much to say, so much to listen,
Inexistent ties.

Monday is gone, I welcome a new day.

Relinquishing

Yes. No. Yes!Yes! I talked to a friend another day. He told me how negativity empowers people in a negitive way. No, that wasn’t a spelling mistake, yet a word he uses to describe himself. Gothic views of suffering and unattained objectives. His goals are hidden in the idea of commodities and the lack of a stable financial situation. Immersing dreams deep inside his cephalic mass, untrusting the trustable, running away from chances; do we do it to ourselves? I find my mind constantly analyzing other people’s ideas, beliefs, choices, attitudes and dreams; I realize it can also help understanding a bit more about me. Rhetorical questions or real enigmas are often useful when chaos habits your soul. Yes! No!No!No! I agree, after a while it is just boring but necessary for an activity where creativity has gone away. Can you understand another reality? Can you stop your reason or whatever theory has taught you and start acting by listening, understanding people’s point of view? If it seems so hard to understand, maybe it is because you don’t really know, you don’t really feel. Maybe you should listen more carefully, the voices are there to be heard and not silenced. I gave them my ears, they gave me their heart, but you, there seems to exist a barrier you cannot trespass.

Nirvana

Different days come in our way. I decided to post, suddenly, in middle of fatigue and interrogations. A friend, telling me what should be secret, expanded my ideas of how our morals are shaped in today’s world. Interesting or not, they seem to have switched , blended, transformed; what used to be wrong, not acceptable or at least, something you shouldn’t make public, yell loudly on the streets; is now the latest fashion, something you tell the whole world in other to be, exist. I personally don’t really know where I sit. I am not the most closed minded person but I don’t know how open my mind is either. Sometimes I seem to miss the old. Need to find reasons. Welcome to my search, what I am searching I will find out later.