Childhood Memoirs: On the clouds

Some days she felt
As if gone
As if dead

Blurred images
Of her past
Entwined

Her present
The violence
Of the small screen

Reflected
In her own
Reality

She pushes
She sees
The blood

Her own hands
Her own culpability
Not running

Away
Walking on
A street without

End

Some days she felt
As if gone
As if dead

The small children
Her own age
Smiling

She unable
Sits
A swing

Wind
Dither Vibrations
Internal organs

Praying
Believing
An exit

Away
From this world
Eyes closed

End

Some days she felt
As if gone
As if dead

Sphinx

A sketchbook
On her pink and blue
Comforter

She draws
An image
She cannot remember

She pictures
The sound of
A voice

Low, soft, warm
Guileless, humble
Words

She, naive
Understands
Impossibilities

She picks
A needle
From her night table

And draws
With blue
Credence

She feels
You
A pain

Ingenuous
A thought
Of truthfulness

She, child
Purely
Vestal

Arms
Given
Your frog face

Betray
Obnoxiously
Her trust

Led,
Rope on hope
To nothing

She draws,
Your face
The Sphinx

You are,
The Kuk,
Unforgettable dreams

Subliminal Dialogues: Impediment

"Hi!"

"Hi."

"This is really a great surprise; I wasn’t expecting to see you here! "
(Please don’t tell me you got the message. No, I am sure I took you off the list, did I?)

"Yes, I know! I just came to have a girl’s night out and... You were the last person I thought I would see here!"
(Are you that stupid to not remember we have many friends in common? I guess so.)

"O, nice. I mean, I didn’t know you liked this place; it seems so not you."
(Last time we were here...)

"I do! It’s such a cosy little pub, who doesn’t like here? "
(Isn’t it amazing how much we still don’t know about each other? But you were right in a way, I don’t go to pubs that often, I’m more a club kinda person)

"True. Do you come here often? "
( Wrong, wrong question dude. She is gonna think you are hitting on her with the worse of the clichés. No, shut up, it’s just her, she an old acquaintance, nothing to worry about.)

"Actually no, I don’t even remember the last time I was here. But my friends needed a cool place to chill and chat, you know, some places are really noisy..."
( The last time I was here was with you... history repeats itself, once more.)

"So I’m lucky them, I didn’t even know you were back in town. Such a long time we don’t talk... when did you come back? "
(Am I lucky or unlucky? Was I supposed to know she was here? It seems like decades since I’ve heard anything about her...not that I have asked anyone...)

"Just a couple months ago, not so long."
(Not that I would have tried any contact with you but how didn’t your friends tell you I was here? Seems quite unbelievable)

"So what have you been up to?"
(Please don’t give me too many details, I don’t have the whole night;also I’m not that interested in all your affairs, maybe the ones that might affect me in a way or that I may take some advantage of, no more no less)

"Not much, you know. Came here to check things out, relax a bit. Not many things changed, over there life is just a bit different, you know, but not much. How long has it been anyways?
( If you don’t remember I may...)"

"I’m not sure. A year maybe, wow a year after 30’s is a huge deal, so many things can happen. So did you get married? Did you have kids? -giggles-"

"Hah. Of course not. "
( Not the moment to ask those questions honey...)

"Dating ?"
(How many drinks did I have?)

"Dating? What does that word mean? – smiles- No, I haven’t dated since...well since we went through different paths..."
(How many drinks did I have?Do you think I would give you details about my sexual life with you? Of course I dated, mostly for fun though, nothing really serious, except when my ex ex came to visit me and we even thought about getting back together...)

"Me too. I haven’t even thought about dating again, I’ve been really busy with work and studying again..."
( It’s not a lie. I mean, sleeping around is not the same thing as dating. And I only had sex with 6 people since I last saw you, which is not a big deal. Okay, I wouldn’t mention the guy, you would think I turned out gay which is not true, was just an experiment, an occasion, you know... like back in college, just I was way less experienced back then...)

"I’m chocked. You were always the dating type. I never thought I would ever see you single again. It might have been really difficult..."
(Should I have changed the subject to the studies? What can he possibly be studying? He was never interested in studying...Nope that would go into something really boring; I would need way more drinks to stand that...)

"Not really. It has been awesome. I’ve been learning a lot about myself. I needed this time “ off” you know..."
(This is also not a lie, sex is just something we men need more than women, don't we? I bet she also have her moments of weakness... okay, let’s be frank, we all need sex, having sex without thinking about the future is a great exercise for your body and your mind thus you learn a lot about yourself. Done, I’m not a liar...)

"True. I agree. And hey, it worked, you look great."
( Should I have said that? It’s not true but poor guy, he thinks he is such a big deal. How old is he now? 50? No, 50 somethings look really hot nowadays, think about Sting... or Kevin Costner, maybe he is just needing some kind of touch, I know he is not that old but this face and all this hair oh goodness...)

"Thanks! And I know, I mean, everybody is saying that I look my best now, I guess I will take the recipe from now on, you know, take fully care of me, I mean, I like the way I am and I am really happy with what I’ve become..."
( You still have a chance with me if you want...)

"Yeah, I admire your enthusiasm. I may need to borrow some from you in the future –smiles-"


"But I can say the same for you too, you look great. "
( Damn you must have worked out or something, you look really hot, I never thought I would say that of you, I mean unless I needed, but hey now it is true....)

"Thanks... It was so nice seeing you again.. um... I should get going now ... my friends might be wondering where the hell have I been..."
( Come on, we are not gonna get anywhere, you know that...)

"Yeah, I know. I was just gonna check out the men’s room and we’ve been here for how long? 10 mins?"
(Should I invite you for a drink someday? But I’m healthy, I shouldn’t be talking about drinks after that talk about taking care of myself... that’s what I get for bullshitting ...)

"So...um..."
( just say bye...)

"Hey, we could have ice-cream someday... "
( Ice-cream?)

"Sure..."
( Ice-cream? “ Gotta get back in time”)

"Monday maybe, or Tuesday...evening..."

"Oh, It will be really hard for me to do something during the week but maybe Friday if you want..."


"Er...um...Friday I can’t..."
(Playing the difficult, but hey who knows what can happen after ice-cream and I do have to travel on Saturday)

"That’s sad. But maybe some other time then..."

"I’m going away on Saturday. I got this out-of-town job you know, gonna stay there for a couple of months..."
( No option, I had to take it, and besides it will be really fun... )

"Oh that’s exciting, I guess I will see you when I see you then..."

"Yeah, You can give me a call sometime, to catch up.."

"Aren’t you moving...?"

"Yeah, I mean , you can write to me or something..."

"I don’t have your e-mail or anything, do you still have mine?"
(I don’t wanna look for it either)

"I might have it somewhere..."

"You can always ask Chris, you know, we've become really close friends since we moved to Tulsa..."

"I will write."

"I see you around then."

"Sure, see ya "
(I so would like to experience you all over again... it’s hard seeing you leave...like before...I hated you so much for that but... hey, I missed you. I really did)
"Hey!"

"Yes?"
( You are sweet. I had to go...I have to go...)

"Take care."

"Thanks, you too."

A cup of fun

The night is of bright stars
The fun will start
He closes the door
The car is in perfect shape

He walks up the street
He crosses strangers
( not so strangers)
He carries a bottle of water

Slowly and confident
He drinks his water
He count the numbers
He measures the street

The knocks on the door
He thought about calling
He greets enthusiastically
He sits on the couch

He talks, tries to listen
He talks non-stop
He drinks and he stares
He kisses her face hello!

He invites her outside
He knows she is ready
He compliments intentionally
He knows his game

He checks her up and down
He pays (un)expensive cover
He pays her favourite drinks
He whispers in her ears hello!

He dances slowly
He dances with charm
He holds her up and down
He moves her around

He sees the lights flashing
He feels his own sweat
His face and his mouth
His needs urging his manhood

He takes her hand
He calls her to go
He opens the car’s door
He smiles at her hello!

He feels the pain(less)ful hunger
He drives carefully
He parks the car far away
He opens her door (un) intentionally

He walks the 2 blocks
He protects her naked back
He walks without thoughts
He talks and talks

He opens her house’s door
He feels at home
He sits on the couch
He pets hello!

He blahs and blahs
But kisses and kisses
He likes her natural figure
He teases and teases

The clock strikes 3 am
He tired almost sleeps
She smiles and feels sorry
He accepts her hand and goes upstairs

He feels semi-comfortable/uncomfortable
He shows why he is
He dances and dances
He sweats with ease

He trains his mover into her body
He enjoys all and all
His breath on her neck
Her kisses in his tongue

He asks hear the yell
He knows his game
He softly speeds up
He strongly slows down

The clock strikes 6am
He hear the creepy noises
She attends to her duty
He half-sleep awaits

He feels the other hunger
He knows he needs rest
He calls her sweetly
He lay down in their nest

2 hours past
He wakes up dizzily
H invites he outside
She accepts shyly

The have been for a long time
They have been for 11 hours
He blinks and smiles
She looks at him for a while

In his red car
They kiss goodbye
He tells her “ dignity”
She promises to text

She enters the house
He shouts” I call”
She crashes on the bed
She dreams and dreams

Last night, a cup of fun

A cup of coffee

The afternoon is of sunshine
The cleaning project starts
She does what she hates
She tidies up with disgust

She smile unconsciously
She yak’s impatiently
The clock strikes 9pm
She opens her mouth, desperately

She goes to the basement
She changes her mind
She opens the door
She goes upstairs

There is no time left
For another intense routine
To dress up,
To take a long, beauty shower

She changes her clothes,
She checks in the mirror
The sun left a hot night
The sun left an intense breeze

She walks back and forth
She yuk’s with stress
She doesn’t know what to expect
It’s past 9.30pm

She sits downstairs, casual
She waits for him
She awaits for the time
She awaits

Unquestionable

How do we know each other?
How do we know how much we care?
How do we tell what hurts?
How do we become truthful friends?

When do we become honest we each other?
When do we forget sincerity?
When do we tell our thoughts?
When do we stop dreaming the impossible?

What are the right decisions?
What do we want from this?
What is friendship?
What does life means right now?

Why do we pretend nothing happened?
Why we keep holding onto something?
Why do we hide ourselves?
Why aren’t we able to abandon extreme feelings?

Where did it all go?
Where are we now?
Where will the sun shine tomorrow?
Where is our home?
Unreal reality?
Dramatic intensions?
Sublime obsession?
Surreal connection?

If...?
If...?
If...?

Goodbye...

Like.ty

Like
Passion
Lust
The Intensity of care

Touch
Hold
Kiss
The Intensity of care

Moment
Time
Dedication
The Intensity of care

How do we find love?
How do we know love?
How many clichés we have to break?
The Intensity of care

Alleviation

I just got here
I wish I was elsewhere,
Nowhere

I want to say please
But I don’t have strength
I have bruises in my hands
I have cuts and marks
In my whole body

Fighting, the non-stop art of believing
And giving up,
And searching again,

I watch others gaze
I think I made a difference
Or changed an instant
But everything is just the same

The pathetic art of life
Pretending, making-believe
I want shout the most stupid words
I want to ask for help but I know there’s no one to listen

Vain words, silliness of mind
Tired, a strong sharp pain in my heart
Every thing seem to change
Something pulls me back to show me
What reality really is

I listen to these sounds,
I listen to this song
I’ve done this before
And once more
Here I am

I teach hope
But how can I?
I’m forgetting what it is

I can’t talk
Who can understand?
It seems so simple,
Yet so complicated

Do you know how it feels to abandon dream?
Not one, but all of them
All at once
And slowly recovering
Slowing building the foundation
For new ones to develop
For a sincere smile
Shown

But no, you can’t have dreams
Why should you?
They just make you worse

Why don’t you realize?
That things are never going to be easy
Enduring bellicosity
You know it is three times harder
And will always be

You are never going to pass
This level
The underneath, the below
No matter how many doors open
How many barriers you trespass

Breathe
Please let me breathe for a moment

Why is it so hard?
Please tell me,
I shouldn’t be letting this tears roll down on my face
And this cries of desperation

I can’t hold, I can’t hold

I needed a paper,
But instead got a screen
To read the letters one by one
Written on a fictional piece of paper
And instead of losing
Finding relief...

Breathe
Breathe

Acceptance, a human condition

Lost,
I walk in the dark streets
Calling your name
A desperate stimulus
Beating with my heart

Some minutes ago
I had seen you
You almost came back
But I threw words
I let you run away

Lost,
I watch the back doors
I walk, pacing my steps
Trying to remain calm
Where are you now?

I decide to go down the path
In the urban and dirty parkette
You are so sweet
You pretend to be strong
You don’t show what you feel

Lost,
I keep calling your name
Even knowing you are far away
Maybe if you hear
You will come back for me

Lost
I can’t do much
It was my fault
I wish I could remember
Your voice


No, you are lost
Physical sounds disappeared
From my memory
I opened a door,
Invitation,
And you were gone from my life

Last year you paused and quietly she observed the tiny expressions on your face

Dusk
You stare
The horizon
The immense nothingness

Dusk,
Purple, Blue, Orange
Fades, Slowly
You walk back

Snow flakes
Embrace your shoulders
Blur your vision
A simple but warming hug

You have your hands in front of you
Hands that touch,
Hands that feel
Hands that wave goodbye

Dawn,
Isolation,
The Horizon
The immense sameness sensation

Dawn,
Yellow, Red, blue
The currents will shift
You move forward

Hot sun rays
Burn your tough skin
Shine through your eyes
Found, presumed missing

You have your hands in front of you
Hands that touch,
Hands, create a viewfinder,
And see the landscape
Hands, should they wave goodbye?

Beginning of an end

End of the week. I’m sitting, procrastinating. You need to do this once in a while. I realized how unclear I am with myself; dissociateness, hiding my own perspective to create new ones. I don’t want to talk to anyone today. I need to end my fatiguing week by being quiet. But I can’t be. I like expressing, exchanging. There is no one to exchange now. I turned off my phone as to get away from the world. I only have what keeps me processing, and this I won’t leave for now or I would have to stop writing; many years and still dealing with the same issues in different situations. At least I found a point where I can stop and concentrate on being objective, as stupid it may sound. It’s just another day, It’s just another day.

Untoward Cloverleaf

In a moment you are going to blink
And your mouth with a big smile will pronounce
Enriched stimulant words

If you could plan this,
Then the final conclusion
Wouldn’t be full of potential growth

Not reacting correctly when hearing the sounds
Basis of an insecure egocentric person
Parallel to the distant ego
That falls from walls and dives
Into the scary waters of the ocean

It takes fifteen minutes to climb the stairs
You take the newly renovated elevator instead
Light green, pale yellow
The time exaggerates the pressure over your body
It will be a waste of time, like sleeping constantly
When you should be developing skills

But afterwards life runs smoothly
Or as soft as it can get
Counting seconds in the watch,
Foreseen a depressive night

In a moment you are going to blink,
And what you will see
Will be an image of the past
The future is far away from your presence

Stealing ideas, and shadowing
Although the growth is personal
Like Wiccans,
But more like the little prince
People around you look strange

How can you define?
How can you feel?

You walk around in different costumes
They call you Gemini,
But you would never abandon the fourth

In a moment you are going to blink
You are going to listen
Loud noises of honking cars
And memories of a lost summer

Who are you?
Why are you in these thoughts?

You are the story, behind steps
You are the lost mind, behind the theoretical knowledge
You are the loner, and the sociable
You are the quest,
You are the quest

In a moment you are going to blink,
And the moment will be gone.

Holding paper friends

Deciding to talk about what is going on, generally, with everyone, every bit of word you hear or (in this case) read. Not believing in simple answers, or trying to be more objective about everything else. But to smile, laugh and have a great mental connection ( all part of a very fun time) helps you to wake up with a totally different mood, even if you didn’t really sleep or if you didn’t sleep well. The fact that simple answers look like distractions, frustrates. Seriously, you just want to know the truth but the subject is turned around and around in infinite circles, you just want a true answer, not being mad, obsessive or neurotic. What does friendship means to anyone? Does it really mean something? Does real friendship exist? Is friendship influenced by gender? How affected by exterior factor can friends be? Can BFF be really friends forever? What are the some of the greatest obstacles of friendship? How would you portray a perfect friendship? Are there pros and cons to be weighted before trusting into a new friend? How many friends are people supposed to or capable of having? Open ended question, I could have sold well tonight.

Morning, phone calls and an active day

The days come and go with such a speed that velocity can’t control. Yesterday was confusing; I guess the word jail can be pretty scary, even though faced after almost 2 years. But there was so much involved. I’m still chocked to know the cruelty existent in certain people. Do they have any idea how much they can hurt someone? But I also know, through own experience, that eyes can tell much about a person’s trustworthiness, and since that day, when I first saw them, I didn’t trusted that person. And then the excuses, like language, anti-socialism even, or jealousy, I know that this person realized I knew what was behind the mask and was afraid of me boycotting the game. And I would, if it wouldn’t interfere on my friend’s happiness. But my friend is a very sweet person and once you fall into someone’s potion, there is no way back. Well, unless you find out something like this. Bad involvement, bad actions and everything negative that can reflect on you and how you spend the last years, all the dreams you had and cultivated second by second and that now got destroyed. No, that may not make much sense. But what is real does need to be sensate. See, after discovering that, life has a whole new meaning. But that was yesterday. Today was different. Today was better. And in the end, it all will be helpful, since from now on people will be twice as careful.

A moment, last post, ( on monday)

It is Monday.
Moon day.
I’m saddened
Reasonless

I open random blogs and start commenting
I open my own blog but don’t know how to start.
I accept tears from the opposite part of town.
I pause, hearing the sobs on the other side of the line.
I am here and somewhere else.
Those sobs are also mine.
In mornings like today, or nights like now.

The Moon shines,
Monday’s natural
Suffocating atmosphere

Ergo, when you receive a message
And it makes you smile
You don’t understand why

I read it and decided to change aspects.
I ‘m holding my cry , the phone rings.
Again, sweet voices and hurried exchanges.
I’m filling the blanks,
Counting the blacks
Enigmas again,
The alphabet is not only made of A’s and B’s

Monday,
I noticed I can’t see the moon
But I can hear the strong strikes of the train
Like the antique clock telling the story
Of your life
The railroad is far away
But at this time, it echoes and waves to my window
The calm wind brings it inside

Travelling, I am away now
Saddened, because of a dot.
Afraid to sleep, Afraid to wake up
Not wanting to do, but wanting to exist

I shared that moment with you so you would be happy.
Strangely, we are both in the same dilemma.
Yours is even harder than mine,
I want all the best for you,
I want to hold you and ask you to forget
I can’t even say anything really warm or comforting.

We create excuses together,
We run down the stairs even though it hurts,
I’m caring my bag,
The dog was ugly but lonely

On my way back I’m isolated
I see a familiar face
We talk
It makes me smile

I smiled twice without noticing.
I notice it now because I’m serious.
I’ve opened this blog today.

Monday, Monday
The song confuses itself with walk like an Egyptian
I need to accomplish one thing before the week ends
It will define my life for the next year or maybe longer
But instead of moving around, working hard
I am here, writing, and thinking about something I should forget.
I open the door politely
It is late.
I write things I don’t want to.
I write without thought.
I write for fun.
I write to express what I constantly wonder.
I can’t write to impress.
I can’t write when I need.
My writer’s block only exist in the presence of real people.
I open this blog.
I read around, quickly, without much attention.
Like browsing a newspaper or a book you will never read.

It’s very easy once you start,
It is hard to stop.
It’s like an urge on your fingers.
So much to say, so much to listen,
Inexistent ties.

Monday is gone, I welcome a new day.

Relinquishing

Yes. No. Yes!Yes! I talked to a friend another day. He told me how negativity empowers people in a negitive way. No, that wasn’t a spelling mistake, yet a word he uses to describe himself. Gothic views of suffering and unattained objectives. His goals are hidden in the idea of commodities and the lack of a stable financial situation. Immersing dreams deep inside his cephalic mass, untrusting the trustable, running away from chances; do we do it to ourselves? I find my mind constantly analyzing other people’s ideas, beliefs, choices, attitudes and dreams; I realize it can also help understanding a bit more about me. Rhetorical questions or real enigmas are often useful when chaos habits your soul. Yes! No!No!No! I agree, after a while it is just boring but necessary for an activity where creativity has gone away. Can you understand another reality? Can you stop your reason or whatever theory has taught you and start acting by listening, understanding people’s point of view? If it seems so hard to understand, maybe it is because you don’t really know, you don’t really feel. Maybe you should listen more carefully, the voices are there to be heard and not silenced. I gave them my ears, they gave me their heart, but you, there seems to exist a barrier you cannot trespass.

Nirvana

Different days come in our way. I decided to post, suddenly, in middle of fatigue and interrogations. A friend, telling me what should be secret, expanded my ideas of how our morals are shaped in today’s world. Interesting or not, they seem to have switched , blended, transformed; what used to be wrong, not acceptable or at least, something you shouldn’t make public, yell loudly on the streets; is now the latest fashion, something you tell the whole world in other to be, exist. I personally don’t really know where I sit. I am not the most closed minded person but I don’t know how open my mind is either. Sometimes I seem to miss the old. Need to find reasons. Welcome to my search, what I am searching I will find out later.